Sunday, September 7, 2014

Horror Film Review

Knight of the Dead (2013):  A zombie flick set in 14th century Britain during the Black Death that involves the Holy Grail sounds theory.  Sadly, sometime during the process where theory becomes practice, anything even remotely approaching interesting was irrevocably lost.  What we ended up with is a dreary, meager tale that like the plague itself, should be wiped out before it can infect an unsuspecting public.

The first misconception is that this film involves King Arthur's knights or any kind of knight like the one in the movie poster over there.  Nope.  There's the priest Leuthar (Feth Greenwood) and four bodyguards:  Bjorn (Dylan Jones), Anzo (Lee Bennett), and brothers Gabriel and Raphael (Alan Calton and Jason Beeston).  Leuthar was ordered to pick up the Cup of Christ from a monastery and transport it to a mountain.  Or something.  The details regarding the grail's destination and reasons for its move are murky at best.  Anyway, the group manages to piss off some local thugs and must flee through a valley said to be cursed by God.  Yeah, no shit.  It's filled to the gills with the undead.  A mysterious woman named Badriyah (Viven Vilela) appears and offers to act as a guide through the punishing landscape.  The thugs, meanwhile, are hot on their heels and led by Calon (George McCluskey) who obviously gargles with gravel every morning.  One by one the bodyguards are taken out by the zombies.  Leuthar and Badriyah engage in behavior that can only be described as naughty.  Calon catches up with them and there's a three-way showdown.  Everybody loses.  Well, Leuthar and the grail survive, but we still don't know where the hell they're going.

The film was not shot in black and white but damned close.  It felt like I was watching it through a pair of sunglasses.  When I said "dreary" I didn't just mean the story.  They went out of their way to make it as gloomy as possible.  Gloomy wasn't enough for these filmmakers, though.  They also had to confound us with a nonsensical plot that had more holes than Christ's body after crucifixion (pardon the irreverent analogy).  The worst offense to logic came when Leuthar had one of the bodyguards drink from the grail after being bitten by a zombie.  Did it cure him?  Did it keep him from turning?  No and no.  So what was the point in making us believe it's the real grail?  Beats the hell out of me.  One other irritant...the guys know they have to destroy the head and yet they keep slashing and whacking at the upper torso.  Why?   It's times like this when I find myself rooting for the hordes of undead.

The Skinny

Acting:  The best actors die earliest.  The worst actor lives and therefore is afforded the most screen time.  There is no justice in the picture business.
Story:  Great idea, awful execution.
Direction:  Lifeless.
Production Values:  A study in dull.
Gore/FX:  There is one fairly groovy shot where one of the swordsmen cleaves a zombie in half with a battleaxe.  Vertically, not horizontally.  It's CGI, of course, but still...not bad.
Scares:  None.
Ending:  Riding away on a horse.  ???
Verdict:  Should you see Knight of the Dead?  I can't imagine a scenario in which you'd want to.  OK...I suppose if you were given a choice between this and watching a Honey Boo Boo marathon, then it would be acceptable.  Just.

Rating:  1 out of 5

Friday, September 5, 2014

Haunted House Update

In horror films, one of the most effective scare tactics is to show a shadowy figure dart across the other side of an open doorway.  It's usually done without a sudden crash of music which, for me anyway, makes it all the more terrifying because real life doesn't have a soundtrack.  With all of this in mind, you can imagine my...consternation when I learned a shadowy figure has been darting across the open doorway of the basement family room.  When this happens, one of the two pet bunnies who roam freely down there can be found standing on her hind legs staring intently at said doorway.  Bunnies stand this way when they suspect danger is afoot and therefore attempt to get a better look to judge the threat level. It's really quite an unnerving sight.  Animals hear better than we do and most can sense when their lives are in jeopardy (it's well known that critters run for their lives many minutes prior to the first rumblings of an earthquake).  On most occasions, the rabbit soon loses interest and wanders away.  A few times, however, she bolted in fear and hid under the couch.  And she'd thump.  You all know Thumper from the Disney film Bambi.  Well, rabbits really do thump like that to warn others of trouble.  Again...unnerving.

Then last night in that gloaming realm between wakefulness and sleep, I had a "dream" about this shadowy figure.  It was an older guy I'd never seen before in my life.  He stood in the doorway to my bedroom, gazed at me for a few seconds with a blank expression, then skittered back into the darkness.  Who needs a cardio workout when shit like that happens?

And finally, there have been the routinely inexpiable creaks, footfalls, and bangs of course.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Horror Film Review

Alien Abduction (2014):  Found-footage fare featuring foul freaks from far, far away.  See?  I can do alliteration, too.  Seriously, though, this movie was surprise in that I've come to loathe found-footage, sci-fi horror because found-footage, sci-fi horror invariably sucks and yet this one did not.  Suck, that is.  In fact, overlooking the overly ordinary title, Alien Abduction might just be the best I've seen to date.

Peter and Katie Morris (Peter Holden and Katherine Sigismund) decided to load their three kids into the SUV and trek to North Carolina's Brown Mountains for a few fun-filled days of camping.  High-schoolers Corey and Jillian (Corey Eid and Jillian Clare) along with their 11 year-old, autistic brother Riley (Riley Polanski) aren't exactly jumping up and down with glee but neither are they pouty jerks about it.  Riley has the video camera.  It's a coping mechanism (this is code for plot device).  Anyway, on their first night, the kids witness three UFOs zipping about the sky.  Since the area is famous for this kind of thing, no one gets too worked up over it.  While searching for their next campsite, the GPS fails and they become hopelessly lost (no cell phone service, naturally).  Eventually, they stumble upon a tunnel with a dozen or so recently abandoned vehicles strewn around.  Dad, Corey, and Riley enter on foot to investigate.  I'll interject here to say the sense of foreboding in this scene was practically palpable.  A figure appears at the far end of the tunnel, spectacularly backlit, and dad hails him.  Mistake is an understatement.  Aliens pop out of the woodwork and give chase.  Papa Morris sacrifices himself to give his kids a chance to escape.  As Corey grabs Riley and runs like hell, they hear their father scream in a most blood-curdling manner.

Mom and the kids find a backwoods cabin owned by Sean (Jeff Bowser), who also owns many guns, a banjo, and a shortwave radio.  Riley's footage convinces him they're not nuts.  A frantic call from his brother on the shortwave doesn't hurt either.  Sean takes off, the aliens come, and then it's Corey's turn to do the sacrifice routine.  After much running and hiding, the remaining three end up in a barn where Sean finds them.  Alas, rescue is not in the cards as Sean and mom are subjected to a decidedly unhealthy beam up.  So now it's Jillian and Riley on the run.  Thankfully, they discover the highway and then a passing cop.  They're saved!  Oh, wait...

The Brown Mountain Lights are a real thing.  Really.  Look it up.  Interesting stuff.  OK...back to the review.  The way this was filmed, we're supposed to believe there was a mass abduction in the Brown Mountains a few years ago and the United States Air Force covered it up.  Riley's video was "leaked."  Weirder things have happened, I suppose.  I'm babbling because I'm desperately trying to think of what I didn't like about this movie but am drawing a blank.  Ah, now I remember.  When the family first encountered the abandoned vehicles at the tunnel, they couldn't turn around because their SUV was running on fumes.  Why not siphon off a few gallons from that Yukon over there and haul ass?  The writers could have at least had one of the kids mention it in passing.  One other alien jettisons Riley's video camera from the upper atmosphere or perhaps low earth orbit and it survives not only the descent but the landing.  Right.  I didn't buy it in Unidentified and I don't buy it here either.  Might be time to give Mythbusters a call.

The Skinny

Acting:  They're all pros so no complaints, although Bowser's hillbilly schtick wears thin fast.
Story:  I did like the use of a real phenomenon as a basis for the plot.  Makes suspending your disbelief just a skosh easier.
Direction:  Snappy.
Production Values:  No budget information, but they did film it in North Carolina so the exteriors are pretty groovy.  If this had really been shot on the Riley's camera, I'd be complaining about lighting and sound and such.
Gore/FX:  No blood to speak of but there is some cringe-inducing sounds during the beaming up process.  (All I can say is that whatever space the aliens needed to fit the abductee into must be quite small.)  The CGI is impressive.
Scares:  There is one that sneaked up and got me good.
Ending:  Not as depressing as you'd think.  There's a bit more movie after the credits that allows one to hope.  Nice.
Verdict:  Should you see Alien Abduction?  You bet.  Other than a disappointing lack of gore, it's got everything you want in a sci-fi horror flick.

Rating:  4 out of 5

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Horror Film Review

Kill Zombie! (2012):  The Netherlands' answer to Shaun of the Dead, this zom-com had been unfairly prejudged by many idiot reviewers.  And by idiot reviewers I mean me.  Some day I'll learn that the most pleasant surprises come from the damnedest places.  Zombies in Amsterdam.  How could that not work?

The Russian space station has fallen from its orbit, broken up, and slammed into Amsterdam.  A funky, pus-like green goo hitched a ride and subsequently infected the population with an illness that...ah, you know.  It's interesting because zombies usually only splattered with red are now splattered with red and green.  Brings to mind Christmas.  Well, not really, but the colors do go together fabulously. 

Aziz (Yahya Gaier) is the suit-wearing Everyman of the picture who loses his office job when his asshole boss fires him because the office hottie Tess (Nadia Poeschmann) takes a shine to him.  Jealously is an ugly thing.  So is the boss.  Anyway, Aziz meets up with his slacker brother Mo (Mimoun Ouled Radi) at a swanky pool party where they accidentally start a fight with two gentlemen from Senegal, Jeffrey (Sergio Hasselbaink) and Nolan (Uriah Arnhem).  All four are in jail when the space station hits.  The largest chunk, by the way, just happened to crash into the top of Aziz's old office building.  Their jailer is the unbelievably beautiful and unbelievably badass Kim (Gigi Ravelli - what a cool name).  After an ill-fated and hilarious attempt to rob a bank (Mo's looking for capital to start a business), the group decides to follow Aziz who's determined to rescue Tess because Tess called begging for rescue.  They steal an army Humvee, discover a cache of suitable zombie-killing weaponry, and head for the zombie-infested office building.  Turns out, though, Tess called everyone from the office she's flirted with on account that Tess is a slut.  Aziz is understandably bummed.  Now trapped in a building that's going to be blown up by a Russian scientist/commando (don't ask), our intrepid heroes must fight their way out before it's too late.  Dramatic, no?

Some cool things to consider:  Nolan manages to get his hands stuck in bowling balls.  Yeah, you see the potential, don't you?  Jeffrey gets his hands on a mini gun (think Jesse Ventura in Predator but instead of jungle foliage, it's zombies).  The ensuing slaughter is...just...groovy.  Also, it turns out that the green goo has a high octane so occasionally a zombie's head will burst into flames.  Again...groovy.  The humor is consistent and I found myself periodically laughing out loud.  That almost never happens.  The scene with Jeffrey and a Taser...comedy gold. 

The Skinny

Acting:  It's always difficult for me to gauge performances done in foreign languages (yes, deal with the subtitles).  All I can say is that no one stood out as awful.  Except the Russian dude.  He was pretty bad.
Story:  Some clever tweaks to the classic zombie tale.  By the way, these zombies are Romero-slow zombies.
Direction:  There is a hiccup or two but nothing to get your knickers in a twist over.  When your expectations are low, forgiveness comes easy.
Production Values:  The film was shot in Amsterdam for half a million euros.  They certainly made the budget stretch because it looks great. 
Gore/FX:  Now here's where the movie shines.  Blood and gore and green pus aplenty.  The CGI is extensive and damned impressive. I've never seen so many head explosions done so well for so little.  It's a veritable cornucopia of carnage. 
Scares:  Nah.  Not attempted and honestly, not necessary.
Ending:  A twist, to be sure.  One word...vampires.
Verdict:  Should you see Kill Zombie!?  Why, yes.  Yes you should.  It may not have the polish or dead-on satire like Shaun, but it's fun, funny, and chockablock full of gleeful bloodletting.  Who can say 'no' to that? 

Rating:  4 out of 5

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Horror Film Review

Infected (2012):  If you suffer from insomnia and aren't a fan of sleeping pills, then this zombie flick is for you. would think it impossible to make a film featuring an undead apocalypse so mind-numbingly dull.  Sadly, one would be wrong.   OK, I better get this over with before I fall asleep trying to write it.

Remote cabin in the woods.  I'm shocked.  Instead of a group of young friends hell-bent on partying like it's 1999, it's some middle-aged dudes with their adult children getting together for a weekend of hunting.  And drinking, of course.  There's grumpy Louis (Michael Madsen) and his indifferent son Andrew (Tom DeNucci) who looks too much like Zachary Quinto.  There's the world-wise Dr. Dennehey (William Forsythe) and his world-naïve son Jeremy (Kevin DeCristofano).  There's uptight Seth (Johnny Cicco) and also three women whose relationships with the menfolk aren't terribly clear or, if I'm honest, terribly important.  Well, except for Louis' pregnant fiancé who you'd naturally think would survive and is present simply to add tension.  Nope and nope.  Oh, yeah.  Sorry.  Spoiler.

It seems there's a new flavor of Lyme disease that causes the afflicted to fall desperately ill...and then transform into shit-house-rat-crazy cannibals.  So not technically zombies.  Would the film have been better if they were?  Hell, no.  Anyway, while collecting firewood, Jeremy is set upon by a hungry grandma and becomes her supper.  It's pretty much downhill from there.  Dr. Dennehey is grief stricken and starts blasting, manages to get bitten and then spends the rest of the movie making notes on his own descent into madness.  Louis get bitten but doesn't turn (no explanation).  Seth, however, does.  One of the women has her eyeball chewed out by the Jeremy-munching grandma.  Eventually, Louis, Andrew, Louis' fiancé, and another woman make a break for it in the doctor's Jeep.  Then we get a voiceover.  It's Louis explaining how the whole world's now infected, only he and Andrew survived, but survival camps have sprung up so by golly there is hope.  The last ten minutes focus on a now buff and badass Andrew traveling the countryside in a Mad Max-inspired truck scrounging for supplies and fellow survivors. 

The sheer tonnage of problems in this film are astonishing. Why do some infected folks go full nutso cannibal and some only partially nutso cannibal?  One scene shows an obviously infected father comforting his pre-teen daughter.  He eats her, leaving only the spinal column and skull (what, did he eat all the other bones?) and then calls his ex-wife to argue about alimony and such.  Er...that's not how it's supposed to work.  Again, no explanation.  That's another point:  killing kids.  They broke the unwritten, don't-kill-kids rule not once but twice. 

Other problems include the doctor's notes on his own transformation.  Nothing is done with it.  So why did they bother?  The camp is protected by a couple of guards and one of those counter-weighted bars on the road. No high fences, no walls.  No sense at all.  Madsen may or may not have been drunk or stoned throughout the shoot.  Hard to tell.  He alternates from inaudible pontification to shouting silly things.  It nears high camp at times.  One last thing...other than the Evil Dead remake, this may be the most humorless zombie flick ever made.  Evil Dead got away with it because it was very well made.  Infected...not so much. 

The Skinny

Acting:  Forsythe is hammy, Madsen chews on the scenery like a starving rabid dog, and the rest are slightly below average. 
Story:  Lyme disease, eh?  Sure.  Why not?
Direction:  Some interesting camera angles can't make up for the glacial pacing. 
Production Values:  There's a cabin and some woods and a $2 million budget.  I'd love to know what they spent it on. 
Gore/FX:  The eating of the eye bit was fairly gross.  Average amount of blood.  I didn't notice any CGI. 
Scares:  Nope.
Ending:  Unsatisfying would be an understatement.
Verdict:  Should you see Infected?  Only if you can't sleep and have run out of Ambien.

Rating:  1 out of 5